Werewolves are the new thing, it would seem. My insides rumble with conflict.
On one hand, I was into the whole werewolves vs. vampire thing before it was cool. Like, when I was in high school. Come to think of it, it’s not something I ever stood on top of a cafeteria table and said loudly and proudly.
I didn’t chill out in the forest and pretend to participate in vampiric rituals or Lambourghini wand fights. I showered. It’s still something that I probably don’t want to be broadcasting over most of the internets.
I don’t like admitting that I, too, was beholden to popular culture, but come on! Today my mind is a model Panopticon, impervious to new ideas, but when it was young and malleable, we were growing up to werewolves of a different breed.
So am I pleased that werewolves and vampires are getting their day in the sun… light’s reflection off the full moon? At night, I guess?
Well, no, not really. Mostly due to the other hand.
This is the other hand. (Go to that link. For real. I know I’m using a lot of links, and that reading is very bougeois, but go.)In no particular order, here is a list of violations committed by the subjects of the linked video:
- The fact that it’s a news report. — Don’t report this like you’re doing anyone a favor. You’re only encouraging it. And for God’s sake, puns? I get to make puns because I’m an amateur blogger hiding in the anonymity of the Internet, but you’re a professional newscaster; you pay taxes on that shit.
- “We’re not to be feared.” — That’s what you wanted the people of Texas to know? You’re a goth kid with a fake wolf tail. Nobody fears you.
- “Gangs are posers; they just want attention.” — We’re the wolf pack. Despite our obvious yelps and barks to the contrary, we neither need nor want your attention. Gangs–economic symptoms of modern city life, resulting from an underfunded, uncaring, and corrupt public education system, as well as social stigmas which prevent any real efforts to reconcile past crimes predicated upon racism–are the true posers.
- “We go to each other with our problems.” — None of you have noticed that you’re not actually wolves in any way.
- “DeKitten Wolfram Lupus” — You can call him D.W.
- “Wolfie Blackheart” — Blackheart didn’t kill that dog for attention. It was a territorial challenge only a wolf (impersonator) could (pretend to) understand.
- “I don’t believe anyone is just human; everyone’s got something else mixed in with them. They’ve gotta look inside of themselves and find out what it is.” — Hobos, for example, are part Popov mixed with syphalis. At night they turn into alcoholics. But some say that inside… inside they always were.
So the next time you see a high school kid dressed up like a wolf, do them a favor and give ‘em a hearty uppercut to the jaw, bread basket, or groin area. And remember: the louder they plea in submission, the more you’re helping.
