I’m not dead, I’m just really busy. I have a pretty repetitive schedule, which means that not too many interesting things happen in my neck of the woods any more.
I did see the Star Trek movie in a theater that serves food. On a recommendation from my pal and yours, Joe, I ordered some sort of wrap that contained ham, turkey, cheese, jelly, and heat. You know where hot, cheesy, jelly-covered meat doesn’t sit so well?
In my stomach.
Also in my lap. Playing fumble in the dark for warm, slimy meat isn’t as much fun as it was when I had a girlfriend, let me tell you. If you don’t find it, it could be anywhere. It could be sneaking up on you right now. If you do find it, your hands are covered in jelly and cheese. Lose-lose.
Okay, pro-movie-review time: Star Trek
Dane Cook plays Eric Bana as the Roman Emperor Nero who, having experienced a series of mishaps involving red spheres, black holes, and other colored geometrics that shot him across the pinball machine of space/time, ends up as a humble Romulan miner and genocidal megalomaniac. Despite his humble mining heritage, his nightare ship is outfitted with armada-raping torpedos and enough food to sustain his crew for 20+ years. Humble miner, my jelly-covered sack.
Anyways, Nero tries to make it as an honest miner again in the past—he really does—but it turns out that modern living really has made him soft; despite his technological edge, he can’t compete with the rugged miners of the past. Mainly, his crew doesn’t really understand the economics of inflation, and why they have to sell their ore for a fraction of the price as the used to be selling it for in the future. They are likewise confused as to why everyone—everyone! from Sylar to Kumar to the Scotty, the fat guy—in this alternate time/universe is a martial arts badass.
On the topic of badassery, what’s going on with Kirk in this one? The first time you see him, he’s hardcore. Actually, he’s a baby. But the second time you see him Kirk is, I don’t know, four, and he drives his step-dad’s antique car off of a ridge and then gives a cop the bird and a ball tap. I not really a Trekkie, but I know that Shatner wasn’t pulling those kinds of moves. This begs the question: if Dane Cook hadn’t brutally murdered Kirk’s father 1000 years into the future or whatever, would Dad have coddled Kirk and reduced him to this? Seems like yes to me.
Badass aside aside, in order to placate his crew and attempt to rationalize what the hell is happening to you, the viewer, Cook/Bana/Nero collects all of the prescription medicine from his crew and takes it all at once. In his drug-induced mania, he blames Leonard Nimoy for all sorts of things, from destroying Bana’s home planet of Krypton to dancing with hobbits.
So he turns to destroying planets, pointing his giant, honking mining laser at Earth.
Oh, sure, everyone pulls together in time to stop him of course, but no amount of backflips or extending swords can undo the terrible damage done to the environment. Within 5 months, the polar ice caps have completely melted, New York is underwater, crops world-wide have failed, and the only natural resource left abundant on the planet is tears.
Overall, I would recommend Star Trek: it’s a powerful message about the dangers of global warming.
